Part 1: The Myth of a Good Woman — How ‘Being Nice’ Has Cost Us Too Much
From the earliest moments of our lives, we are taught a subtle, unspoken lesson:
To be good is to be nice.
To be seen is to be quiet.
To be loved is to be accommodating.
It sounds simple enough, wrapped in gentle words:
“Be polite.”
“Don’t make waves.”
“Take care of others before yourself.”
But beneath this gentle teaching lies a heavy, invisible weight.
Because what we call being nice is often a complex, exhausting dance of survival — a survival learned from trauma, fear, and the desire to belong.
We learn to smooth our edges so we don’t scare others away.
We carry the emotional baggage of everyone around us — the unspoken needs, the silent hurts — as if it were our own.
We apologize for taking up space, for expressing pain, for being too much.
We fold ourselves into silence even when inside, we’re screaming.
And all the while, we wear this mask of niceness like armor — fragile, and yet so demanding.
But here is the truth most don’t say out loud:
Being nice is not the same as being kind.
Kindness is rooted in presence — an authentic honoring of both ourselves and others.
Niceness, by contrast, is often rooted in performance — a scripted behavior shaped by fear of rejection, conflict, or abandonment.
When we choose niceness over truth, we sacrifice the most vital parts of ourselves: our voice, our boundaries, our worth.
We swallow our honest feelings to keep the peace.
We enable harmful patterns because confronting them feels too risky.
We become invisible caretakers, holding the world together at the expense of our own sanity.
But silence is not kindness.
Self-abandonment is not compassion.
Saying yes when every fiber of your body says no is not generosity — it is a slow erasure of self.
Behind many smiles lies a quiet desperation: burnout, loneliness, resentment, and exhaustion from pretending that everything is fine.
In our last series, we named the invisible work that women do every day — the emotional labor that holds families, friendships, and workplaces together.
Now, it’s time to name the cost of that labor.
It’s time to stop over-giving, to stop sacrificing ourselves for others’ comfort.
Because you deserve more than survival.
You deserve boundaries that feel like safety — not prisons.
You deserve relationships rooted in respect — not fear.
You deserve to say “no” without guilt, and to hold your ground with love.
This series is a quiet revolution — a reclaiming of your power, your voice, and your heart.
It’s not about shutting people out or becoming cold.
It’s about becoming whole — fully alive and unapologetically you.
If you feel tired of carrying invisible burdens, if you’ve ever felt crushed beneath the weight of being “nice,” this series is for you.
Together, we will unravel the myths, heal the wounds, and build a new foundation — one where kindness and strength live hand in hand.
Because your worth is not measured by how pleasant you are.
It is measured by your courage to be real.
Coming up next:
What a Boundary Actually Is — And What It Isn’t
We’ll break down the myths around boundaries and explore what they look like when they’re rooted in love — not fear.
If this resonates, I’d love to hear from you.
Hit reply, or forward this to someone who needs to know: you don’t have to earn your worth by being pleasant.
With warmth,
Erika
Erika Patterson Coaching 